21…The Illusion of Freedom.

21… The Illusion of Freedom

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.”

― George Carlin

 

I can understand if your child comes to a point where he/she thinks that they no longer need you or no longer have to listen to you – as the key word is “think” –. However, what I will never understand is a parent who believes their work is done as soon as the child turns 21 (if not 18!). Lit candles, on top of their now “adult” birthday cake, are blown off after singing the quickest happy birthday rendition known, and all they can think about is the freedom their child’s “turning of age” represents for them!

Talk about having this whole parenting thing backwards… In my opinion, of course.

I strongly believe that it is when our kids enter into their late teens early twenties that the real testing of our parenting comes into play. It is at that moment, more than ever, we need to stand ready to intervene, to redirect, and to remind them (if needed) of the values and teachings we raised them with!

Being a parent is a 24/7 responsibility we signed up for; the real “’til death do us part” contract. Your child’s birthday, whether be 18th or 21st is not their mark of adulthood as much as your benchmark to “job accomplish” as a parent. It is not your silver lining. It is actually your midterm multiple-choice test, and guess what? You are not the one making the choices… It is when you are essentially being evaluated…

So not too long ago, we had a family gathering in Belgium for my mum’s 80th birthday. Some of us travelled from different cities, countries and continents, to be part of this wonderful event. This was a surprise gathering for her and while I know her heart was overfilled with emotion, looking at some of her children (and their offspring), I know she also was thinking and missing those who couldn’t be present because of the great distance separating them. I couldn’t help but notice the absence of one of my nieces who lives a minute walk from where the party was; so I ask my brother (her father) about her whereabouts. I asked, expecting an answer like, “She is still held up at a scheduled event she couldn’t cancel” or “She should be here momentarily”… but I was floored when I heard him say, “She texted me around 11ish that she was tired and was going to bed”. Did I hear him correctly? Her grandmother’s 80th birthday… drove in front of the hall to get home…. home/bed is one minute walk from the hall and she couldn’t stop for 30min and say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAKU”??? I wish y’all could see my face as I am typing this, bewildered I still am… truly can’t add it up to make it okay!

I looked at him and asked, “Why didn’t you tell her to get her behind here?”

“She is an adult now” he responded, “I can no longer tell her what to do”…

As you know I am the mother of two kids, a son who is soon to be 20 and a daughter who (next month) will be 17 going 25! And while there are times that they show me a level of maturity that brings pride to my soul (as a validation of how right we are raising them), I also deal with situations where I wonder who are these 2 aliens who call me mommy?! And because of that, I do know that my role as a parent will never end. I will always be older, wiser and they will always be my babies. The difference is that the nature of my role as a parent and their role as children has evolved. The parenting is not the same as when they were 5, but it is still there as the authoritarian voice in their life and that will never change. They may not want to act upon what I tell them BUT I will always voice my concerns and opinions when they go astray from what we took years to instill in them. I could never sit back and watch them compromise on their core values, without saying something.

Ultimately, we want our children to grow up to make their own decisions, to make mistakes and to be successful. While they may think that they know better because we, parents, are from the prehistoric age and they are from the present world, children should also know that there is value in being empathetic and valuing our point of view. As parents, we should still have the discretionary urge to protect them which to some extent, we have to control, but definitely we should have the freedom to let them know when wrong is wrong, just as much as celebratingthem when right is being done.

As I said earlier, this role of parent it is one I will have for the rest of my life. And for the rest of my life I want to be able to guide them, I want to be able to inspire them but mostly I want to be an example they will want to emulate. While I know there will come a time that they will disregard all that I will suggest, I truly hope they will treasure the values we raised them with so they can guide them when needed. I think that’s how you know when you’ve done a good job as a parent, when they don’t want your unsolicited advice but still end up doing right because it is ingrained in them.

“No one is ever quite ready; everyone is always caught off guard. Parenthood chooses you. And you open your eyes, look at what you've got, say "Oh, my gosh," and recognize that of all the balls there ever were, this is the one you should not drop. It's not a question of choice.”

― Marisa de los Santos

So what do you think? Is there a time when you stop parenting your children? Let’s discuss…

“As always remember that I love you – Smooches!”