An open letter to my son; on his 20th birthday

It’s so crazy to me (as a kid, or even teenager), I always seemed to think time dragged on endlessly. Then at some point in my life, it all changed. The magic turning point was when I became a parent. Hours, days, months and years were all of a sudden, rushing behind each other, barely waiting for one to end for the other to begin. I woke up one day and realized that time was flying by and there was nothing I could do to slow it down…                                                                                                                                                                     All “aha” moments are well cherished along our journey, so it’s difficult to select “the one.” But I can safely say that one of the defining moments for me has been motherhood. The riddle of life is profound in its simplicity, but how complicated we like to make it while, every answer is closer than our own breath and heartbeat.

My baby boy is turning 20 in 2 days. TWENTY!!!! I don’t know what to do with that number. I don’t know what to do with that reality. I just don’t know… How do I wrap my mind around that? My Jayson turns 20 August 14. Who allowed him? From whom did he ask permission? He just thought he was grown enough to march out of his teen years and into his twenties, without consulting me. I guess he knew better, he knew I probably wouldn’t have given him permission; trying to hold on to him as long as I could…                                                                                                                                              I am not sad, truly (maybe I am lying here ). But I am not happy either, just in total shock… To top it all off, he is not here.

Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother.  A child is a child.  They get bigger, older, but grown?  What’s that supposed to mean?  In my heart it don’t mean a thing.

~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987

Saturday, I had company over. It was a chill night with friends. Easy night, quick grilling with wine and easy convo on the deck.My brother joined us a little later in the evening with one of his best friends, who has known my kids from the day they were born;  one of their “adopted uncles”

At the tail end of the evening, he asked me, “How is Jayson doing? He told me that he loves Australia (okay…What is his point? I’m already on the defensive lol) and I told him…….” This is where I should’ve tuned him out. This is where I should’ve ceased entertaining THAT conversation, because it could only go downhill from there. But no…. my dumb self went there with him. I entertained a conversation, I listened to someone trying to tell me they know my son better than me (wow, are you kidding me) and I in turned, trying to convince him of the contrary…

Having my first born turn 20 also means that I’ve been doing this parenting/mothering thing (quite successfully if I should say so myself) for a long time, to be precise for two decades! So although I’ve blinked, and it’s now 20 years later, it doesn’t mean I have not breathed, lived, experienced with him – and sometimes for him – every moment of his life. I appreciate and am grateful for everyone who is part of “our village”. As I always said, raising my 2 babies has been and is a team effort, as there is never too much love and support one can need in their life. However, there is no blurred line through the fact that I love them more than ANYONE else on this planet and my knowing them is only matched (or coming as close second) by their father 😅

Jayson, Mon Loulou Cheri a Moi,

I loved you before you were conceived

I loved you while anxiously waiting for you to join us in this world

I loved you thru all your milestones

I loved you when you decided to move away for college

Now that you are entering this new decade in your life, entering adulthood, know that I will also love you through those years of changes, discovery…

I can’t wait to see what life has ready for you. Can’t wait to see it unfold for you to experience.

I love the way our relationship has developed, evolved and matured, and I love the promise of how it will continue to unfold in the years to come.

I am so ready for your future…

I have already shared with you what will be our mother/son dance song at your wedding.

I have fallen in love with the perfect Pamela Roland dress that I would love to wear at your wedding.

I have trust in you that you will find yourself a perfect life partner.

But for now, for today I need you to live your present, just remember when you’re feeling sad, lonely, or lost, which you will definitely feel from time to time just know I’ll be there for you

Your birthday is two days away, please on that day close your eyes and see me standing next to you singing my off key rendition of “happy birthday”, us laughing and hugging. I will close my eyes and imagine you in my arms, jokingly pushing you away as you shower my face with kisses as you always do. How I wished I bottled all of those kisses instead of telling you to stop. How lucky I am as a mom to have never had to ask you for a hug, a kiss, a tender look.

I’ve never had to miss that until today...

My heart is heavy but I can deny the blessing that is you growing into this wonderful young man and living your best life….

So HOORAY to your 20th birthday and perhaps most of all, HOORAY for simply making me a mom 20 years ago...

As always, remember that I love you, Smooches 😚