New Chapter- Part One: When Enough Became Enough
“Your self-worth is your own currency, do not try to sell it to someone else. If they can’t see it then it wasn’t meant to be.”
-RosieSandz
When enough became enough… decisions were made.
The last few months prior to the end of 2018 where some of the hardest months for my family. My mother-in-love was fighting cancer fearlessly. The Hubby was managing his time between work, Power Health and flying back and forth to Detroit to see mom. I was continuously traveling for work 4 to 5 days out of the week.
Fast forward to the 2018 Christmas holiday in Detroit, mom looked a little tired, her arm was in a sling, patiently waiting for the effects of the series of radiation treatments to finally take effect, and experience some relief from the persistent pain she felt. Always present was her wit, her quick humor and a kind word for all of us.
No matter what we try, we can’t control life, sometimes painful things happen that we couldn’t possibly have predicted or prevented, and we are left with having to face a denied reality.
Early in the afternoon, on December 25th 2018, mom was admitted into the intensive care unit at Sinai Grace Hospital.
So many times when we were having small conversations, while she was laying in her hospital bed, I started thinking, “What are we doing here? I am not ready for this… not ready for ANY of this.”
We’ve all been faced with situations in our lives that force our hand. And this was one of them. The realization of how fleeting life is and how quickly it can slip away from you, forced me to accept and walk the talk of my own preaching; “Do not forget that we are all expendable, don’t hang on to your own self-assessment as a statement of truth for others, do not waste YOUR precious time trying to convince someone of your value, adjust accordingly and hold onto the notion that life is giving you the opportunity for you to do things differently.”
Wednesday January 30th I felt the urge to go and see mom at the hospital, I flew from NY to Florida, left my luggage at my hotel and caught another flight to Detroit. I spent the whole day sitting at her bedside, wiping tears from my cheek, having a monologue (praying that she could hear me), caressing her hand and face. I made many promises to her that day… at 4pm I finally got up, kissed her forehead and said goodbye. She never opened her eyes. I was heading back to Florida to a job that no longer aligned with my values or my purpose. A job I didn’t enjoy anymore…
Two days later on Friday February 1st, mom left us without regaining consciousness. I hope she felt my presence with her that day.
I will always remember The Hubby’s voice while telling me the news over the phone…
I will always remember the feeling of believing that she wasn’t ready to leave us, she had to, so she accepted it…
I will always remember the disappointment I felt in me for having chosen to leave her – as I knew in my gut – I would not see her alive again.
I will always remember the pain I felt, not being with my family to hug them and being hugged by them.
And I will always remember the first work email I received that day in the early morning and the feeling of ENOUGH IS ENOUGH I felt when reading its content...
If life potentially gives you hints that you deserve and can do better, this was it... This was my turning point. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
A light is from our household gone
A voice we loved is stilled,
A place is vacant in our home which never can be filled
– Unknown
In moments of inner turmoil; I take mental notes. Mental notes that help me grow and help me make the right decisions for me, help me not travel the same road. I developed the strength needed to make hard decisions for myself. And I learned a few valuable lessons along the way…
Your self-worth is your own currency, do not try to sell it to someone else. If they can’t see it then it wasn’t meant to be
Do not compromise on your priorities
Everything that “works” does not necessarily means it is good for you and yours. Step back, look at it through different lenses
Fate… Ready or not, here I come. Function accordingly knowing that
As I said previously, “The choice was made for me” and yes it truly was. The day I lost my mother-in-love, decisions were made in that moment. All options became unbelievably clear. The virtual swift kick in the ass I received was one to remind me to let go of the negativity, the toxicity, and to hang on to what’s important to my soul, because misplaced energy will never be recycled for do overs.
The chips have fallen in the most perfect ways. The fears I had have proven to be unfounded. At this moment I am living my best life, learning to enjoy a work life, well balanced with amazing new colleagues. I’m enjoying my family as I didn’t realized (or had blocked) how much I missed them. I am slowly but surely making time for my aces I unintentionally neglected and I am finally diving into new interests, new passions...
The next chapter of my life will be even more amazing than the previous one. And hopefully you may even have chosen to start that chapter with me or will eventually join me.
I am relaunching my blog under a different name and a new attitude. For those of you who used to follow me you will recognize some of the pieces I will repost and for all the new pieces I will include at the end “As always remember that I love you – Smooches” this in memory of, Iris Elaine Williams, my mother-in-love as it was one of her favorite sayings.
