The Testing of my Heart Strings: Your Path to Travel…

As a parent, I have an immense sense of pride concerning my children. From the day they were gifted me, there hasn’t been a day in my journey (of motherhood) that I didn’t thank the heavens above for them.

They are perfect! With all their beautiful imperfections, they are perfect for me; they are perfect to me!

Yes, when they were as young as 5 years old, I packed their little backpack with their little belongings, opened the door of our apartment, and told them to leave as they didn’t want to listen.

And yes, I get a panic attack every time they leave the house without me… You know the usual “what if’s”…

Yes, I made sure we raised them to be independent, self-reliant, and curious about the world and its different cultures.

And yes, sometimes (well, maybe most of the time), I wish they didn’t grow up wanting to display these strong characteristics…

“I think that the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms, allow them to take the subway... let them be better people, let them believe more in themselves.”

― C. JoyBell C.

In this world, there will never be anyone who will love and care about my children the way I do. It takes a special tug on (a string in my) being to take the step back needed to allow them to grow and experience life the way they see fit… for them to live their interpretation of how life should be…

I am a walking oxymoron when it comes to my babies. My beliefs and feelings constantly pull opposite ways. And right now that special string is being stretched to its max.

As I sat here thinking of what lead us to this day, I keep wondering why life is continuously pushing and testing my boundaries. Why can’t the universe just believe me when I say, “Their success and accomplishments are just as much mine than theirs!” Why can’t the universe just let them be content with being “here” with me/us instead of wanting to test me and my ability to be without them????

YES, it is about me and the sinister plot the universe has against me…or maybe the universe is just not giving up on me and the lessons I still need to learn…

Two years ago, I cried tirelessly when Jayson left for College. I dodged a bullet as he changed his mind on going to College on the West Coast, but in my mind the 1hr and 15min drive to Providence College seemed to be the same distance as driving cross-country to California! The bottom line was that my baby was leaving me, the distance didn’t matter, and the action (the milestone) was the only thing I could think about…

Having your kid leave home to go to college is regarded as a measure of success. Him – wanting to explore environments outside of his usual day to day – was a clear sign that we have prepared them for the world. And while that is the focus, making sure the world is less of a surprise to them, the downsides are not as vigorously mentioned whilst being a reality. For both, him and “us” left behind, it is a sad and exciting time in equal measure. He gets to build the person he wants to be and become his own person, while we get to sit back and watch it happen…

And here we are today, two years later on the cusp of his junior year in college and Jayson has decided to go for a full semester of study abroad… WHAT THE FUCK???!!!! Excuse my french, however; that really translates how I’m feeling right now. Can I catch a break? Mr. Universe can you back off and let me enjoy mine the way I think it should be and NOT how YOU mean it to be?

My mouth said, “Okay Jayson, that is great! So what and where are you thinking?”

My heart is already tightening up, “Keep it together Rose… keep it together”… He is a sensible one. Abroad means another country right? We are no longer talking “out of state”… California doesn’t sound that bad right now… We are talking leaving, LEAVING!!! I mean, he’s been to London, France, Germany and even Africa. So I am thinking, Europe L L L Help me Jesus, how am I going to do this????

His voice interrupts my internal conversation, only to utter, “I am applying for Australia mom”

Internal voice: Australia, did that fool really say Australia?

I should take solace in the fact that the world is a much smaller place now with internet, FaceTime and WhatsApp. I grew up in Europe in the mid-70’s, while my parents lived primarily in Africa and to this day, I can't imagine how my mother dealt with that, not once but with 8 of her children

Jay had been at college for 2 years now, so I am used to the separation, used to not having him at home every night, but I didn’t have to deal with the worries of what could happen as we always had easy “access” to him if need be. I remind myself that he is a young adult; I rely on the fact that he values all that we taught him and uses it to make sound decisions. But I realize in this new situation, that the most helpful thing I am going to have to do for myself will be to use denial. As he said Australia, the first thing that came to my mind was him falling off of cliffs, being trampled by kangaroos, and bitten by venomous spiders or snakes??? That’s a possibility too!

I just have to use denial and pretend Australia is down the street, so I can turn that off.

My kid’s dreams are my dreams. My role as a mother is to make sure I never stop or stand in the way of their wings expanse. I know all children have to grow up and go their own way but still, this is hard. Regardless of my personal fears, I spent the last 4 months helping Jayson get ready for this big trip. From paperwork, applications, packing list … I was there constantly reminding him of due dates and requirements. As the time got closer, I found myself really having a hard time with it all. I just don’t know what to do to help myself feel less anxious about it all. Australia is a long way away! I am feeling very depressed and nervous even though I know I can trust Jayson unreservedly. It is the rest of the world that scares me.

The last week before his departure, we did things to get him ready and I thought I was going to be in tears the entire time. I didn’t want to do that but was really having a hard time. He has flown before, yet he has about a 20 hour+ trip to take. Frankly, that scares me to death. I think I will feel better when he is actually there and that long flight is out of the way. At least he only has one connection. I'm sure he will be fine but I just feel like my worry and anxiety are really taking off right now.

I have been fine all fall, but found myself crying a good bit these past few days (not in front of him!) as the reality is right in front of my face. He asked if we could have a bbq for him and his friends as a sendoff; we did it on Saturday. When they were eating, I looked at him and saw the little boy he once was. I just felt sad, teary eyed and my heart was aching all day long…

He is about 4 hours away from landing in Sydney Australia. I have been following his flights since he took off Sunday at 6pm from Logan Airport. Today I am feeling a little better with it all. Some tears at random moments… I really do feel better today though. I tried not to cry in front of him or let him see how worried/upset I really was. However; I believe that it is absolutely fine to tell them that you are going to miss them, or that you will be sad when they leave. It is perfectly fine for him to see that he is going to be missed, so he knows his place in our lives is safeguarded. Jayson knows (in a healthy way) that I will always worry about him as his mother but he also knows that I am very happy for him and that I look forward to hearing all about his adventures in Australia. He knows I want him to do the things he wants to do in life and grow up to be an independent person.

Parents are told dismissively to buck up, get a hobby and start “enjoying life” as if raising our kids has been a burden and them leaving the home is our key to freedom… For me the weight of grief and loss I am experiencing is not taking me by surprise, and acknowledging the depth of sadness I am going through is key to accepting and living my role as a mother. It taps into my sense of purpose; control and pulls that string I mentioned earlier, which is testament to my strength.

Trust me, I have been tempted so many times to ask him to stay, or cry until he feels bad because he is leaving me; but I couldn’t ever do that. I could never compromise the possibility of him finding happiness and independence. Again, during times like this, denial is a very, very helpful coping method. Worrying doesn't help anyone. My job is to get through the next 5 months and not to have a negative influence on his experience.

As I wipe my tears, I remind myself that he is doing exactly what he wants to do and the right thing for me is to be very happy for him.

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”

― Terry Pratchett

And as always, remember that I love you – Smooches!