It's okay.

What if I told you that it’s okay not to be okay?

You might accept that notion in theory, but when The Feels occupy your mental space, leaving you with feelings of sadness, hurt, guilt, or just a general disconnect from any positive feelings about a thing, is your tendency to try to push through it, or to be with it?

There is this “Positive Polly” trend that pushes us toward constant optimism.

Think about how weird you’d come across to just about anyone if you said you didn’t feel good – and that you wanted to unpack WHY you actually feel that way. The agreed upon social sentiment is that as human beings, we should all be trying to experience positive thoughts and be optimistic about life.

We are expected to respond in the affirmative to the constant calls to action: show up and smile no matter what; think positive thoughts; kick fear to the curb; and be strong enough to push past our pain.

Seems legit, right?

As a matter of fact, the decision to choose positivity as our general life lens can be incredibly empowering when we’re in the mental space to receive it. But when we are not – which is a very real part of most people’s experience – what do we do with our feelings? When we feel shitty about a thing, afraid of an outcome, saddened (or devastated, even) by an experience, where do we go to lick our wounds? Who is speaking about what to do when we’re not willing to hurry our feelings along, or to force-feed ourselves positive affirmations until we get to the better, easier feeling? Optimism has its place for sure, but there is no substitute for being present with our feelings.

It is in the spirit of authentic self-exploration and real self-expression that I offer you these  reasons to be okay with not being okay. 

Fun Fact: Not being okay is not the opposite of Self-Love

Not being okay is a common emotion (some may call it sadness) – and probably one of the most hurried-past experiences within the emotional spectrum. Most of us view sadness as something that needs to be resolved or replaced with another (better) emotion. We are often asked whether we want to sit around and feel sad or brush it off and get on with our lives, as if those two things are opposing forces.

Sometimes we need to operate inside of our emotions instead of trying to avoid them.

In doing so, we avoid the toxicity of suppressed emotions and unmanaged hurt. The old idiom is true: Hurt people hurt people – and so we can protect ourselves from becoming toxic, uncompassionate people when we start with ourselves and offer honest assessment of our own feelings. Feeling sad or lonely can be tough to be with, but we are not weak or wrong or broken for having those feelings. Trying to avoid these feelings can lead us to make decisions out of fear instead of honest consideration. But allowing ourselves to feel these feelings makes us stronger and allows us to be honest about our environments. That honesty can lead to sound decision-making, rooted in a love and appreciation for our own wellbeing.

I’m processing.

When you get the inevitable “Are you okay?” or “How are you feeling?” you can simply say, “I’m processing. Thanks for asking.”

That way, you’re not offering up your exact feelings for discussion, nor are you saying something opposite of your current truth just to make things easier for you or them. If you’re willing to verbalize your right to feel your feelings, that choice often brings about a discomfort. Most people aren’t comfortable with a perceived problem (your feelings) until they feel like it’s close to being solved.

All our feelings deserve our attention, but not all of them should be part of our focus. If you want to explore the potential aha moments around your seemingly sucky feelings, make space with words and images that put you in touch with those feelings. 

Say or write the following sentence, filling in the blank with the most honest statement you can say about whatever emotions you are feeling: “I feel _____, and that’s okay.”

The last two words in that sentence (that’s okay) offer a way to acknowledge that we’re not doing something wrong or bad by feeling how we feel. As mindful beings with a full spectrum of emotions, we can acknowledge that while it may not feel great, it exists – and we are not broken because we feel the existence of the thing.

Be well, it’s okay.